Discussion: Optional, Great for Checking In!
Some questions to consider sharing about:
- What did you find yourself thinking about after this session?
- How did reflective listening go? (empathizing, paraphrasing, checking for understanding)
- Did you try noticing and pausing?
- What are you looking forward to in the next session?
- Which element of the Q12 did you choose to focus on this week (Q13 Q5, or Q6)
Q3: At work, I have the opportunity to do what I do best every day.
Q5: My supervisor, or someone at work, seems to care about me as a person.
Q6: There is someone at work who encourages my development.
It takes deliberate thought and practice to REALLY listen to someone without trying to form a response before they finish. However, I think when it’s done, it shows caring about a person and helps develop that positive connection.
Yes, it absolutely does take a deliberate approach and practice to this – and it’s one of the best ways to establish a connection with people and to build trust. I think it gets easier the more we do it!
One of my employees was feeling very nervous about leading a meeting in front of senior management. Instead of just saying, “Don’t worry, you’ll do great”, I allowed her time to talk through the things she was afraid might happen in the meeting and think through how she would respond if those things came up. This allowed her to realize that she really was prepared. I think it calmed her nerves more than I could have done by just telling her everything would be fine. She did a great job in the meeting!
Thanks for sharing this, Kelly. I’m sure it took you a LOT more time with this approach than just telling her it would be fine – which, she probably would have been 0 but it sounds like the results were great rather than just fine. And I’m guesssing she felt supported and trusted by you, which hopefully will empower her and give her confidence in future meetings/leadership opportunities.
The pause is difficult for me as it seems like forever. After teaching school for 32 years, you’d think I’d carry this over to my adult interactions as it is important. I need to remember to listen more than talk and not to ask questions.
The pause is difficult for me, too! I have to be really intentional about it. Asking questions is a GREAT thing, but even better if we’ve paused to listen and figure out what some good questions to ask might be, based on what we are learning from listening. Thanks for sharing, Suzanne!
My employee is the case manager for our Aging in Place program that serves seniors with low income. For the past few weeks we have been having some serious problems with a consumer, involving major disrespect, harsh words, and unappreciative behavior. She has been struggling to get him set up with a service that he needs, as there were many loops she had to go through. Finally she heard back from the state about the matter and she attended a meeting and set up his appointment while she was out of the state on vacation. She went above and beyond for him, as has since she started at SIL, but is still faced with disrespect. She has been extremely frustrated, so instead of coming in with problem solving, or brushing her feelings aside, I let her talk through her frustrations and let her know that her work did not go unnoticed. I showed her empathy in the situation, especially as I have been experiencing the same disrespect. I want her to feel that I hear the problems she is facing with him and that I want to help her get through it, instead of just making her deal with it alone and ignoring the problem.
Thank you for sharing this, Madison. That sounds really hard for both of you! Providing empathy and listening to her, helping her come up with some solutions on her own, letting her know you saw and appreciated her specific work – that takes time and energy but hopefully will reap rewards in the long run. It’s so hard when we want our employees to be appreciated and they face disrespect from others.
Listening with empathy is a big component of what I do. Working with other veterans who struggle with PTSD, addiction, and other struggles requires me to listen with the intent to understand as opposed to simply listening to respond. The people I work with want to be heard, and they often feel ignored or dismissed by those who are tasked with the responsibility to help them. I do not take this lightly and I try to make them feel truly listened to, and to express gratitude and humility for the trust they place in me by sharing their feelings and stories.
Thanks for sharing, Dustin – I am sure your listening is appreciated deeply by them. I love that you express gratitude to them for sharing with you!
Reflective listening is not a natural skill for me and I am constantly working on developing it. My default is to have an answer and solve a problem. I remind myself all the time that I don’t have to solve all of the problems. I have to remember that my people usually know what they need to do my job is to help them get there by listening and asking the questions.
Thanks so much, Laura – I think that reminding ourselves that we don’t have to have all the answers ourselves, is one of the most challenging but helpful things we can do for ourselves as well as for our employees! I know that sometimes both our employees want to be told what to do, and we want to tell them what to do, but it’s much more helpful and powerful in the long run if we can stop and help them come up with an answer on their own. Again, thanks for sharing this.
Reflective listening is something that I am working on, because I really do want to be a better listener. I am a fixer, so I do struggle with trying to fix everyone’s problems and offering advice. I need to be better about really being a reflective listener, and make sure that people feel heard and validated.
I think a lot of us who have a heart for nonprofit work are fixers, Tamara! We want to help! I think it’s helpful to remind myself that listening, validating, and believing that people can come up with their own solutions IS helping them! Thank you for sharing this.
I tried using reflective listening with the staff I supervise in order to align with Q5 and show caring for them as a person. I have one staff who talks a lot about her personal life and issues so this was a great opportunity to practice. I also used it at home on my boyfriend.